Gay Christian Counseling is Either Horrific or Helpful
Walking through a land mine
I know a lot about counseling gay Christians.
I have a Ph.D. in counseling and provided thousands of hours of professional counseling to gay Christian men.
Likewise, as a gay Christian man, I have received hundreds of hours of professional counseling.
Such experiences of being vulnerable to a counselor can be very intimidating. It can also be very destructive. And sometimes, it can even be helpful.
Therefore, I want to describe the horrific forms of counseling (i.e., conversion, addiction, and Evangelical Christian). Then, I want you to understand a counseling method that is very helpful to gay Christians (i.e., affirmation counseling).
Conversion Counseling
The premise of conversion counseling is that homosexual orientation is bad and needs to be changed to heterosexuality. Another presumption is that such change is possible (with the right type of counseling and dedicated efforts over time).
I should know. I received conversion counseling for two years. And I staunchly refused to provide such counseling.
The counseling method provided to me was the industry gold standard during 1980–2000: “Reparative Therapy.” The foundational presumption was that the homosexual male’s same-sex attraction (SSA) was caused by an insufficient bonding experience with his dad. Thus, when the needy male child reaches puberty, he is attracted to males instead of females.
The “cure” is for the homosexual male to bond with masculine men.
The belief is that when masculine role models surround the homosexual male, the gay man will assimilate straight behaviors. For example, by playing rugged sports or watching football on television, the deprived homosexual will increasingly gain an opposite-sex attraction. The key is to become friends with masculine males and take on their habits and hobbies.
The problem is that Reparative Therapy does not work.
In my experience receiving this type of therapy, I had already achieved “masculinity” before undergoing the treatment. I was an all-star football player in high school and became a Top Gun fighter pilot as an adult. All of my friends were swaggering, tougher-than-nails, macho men. However, exposure and assimilation into that masculine club did nothing to reduce my SSA.
Another problem with conversion therapy is that it is hard for many gay males to become included in the “masculine man” circles. Gays generally are disinterested in contact sports, and when given the opportunity, they seem “goofy” to the rest of the men. This rejection is even more harmful to the gay male — making him want to retreat to the safety of being with other gay males.
Conversion therapy has been a psych experiment that has failed for over 40 years. Remarkably, some counselors still sell it as a prescription for change into heterosexuality. Shame on them.
Addiction Counseling
The premise is that homosexuality is similar to alcoholism: bad behavior must be severely monitored to prevent the person from harming himself.
Here, too, I should know. I endured three years of addiction counseling — with zero change in my SSA.
Don’t get me wrong: addiction counseling can support men whose sexual habits have become destructive. However, addiction counseling all-too-often attempts to shame gay men into becoming eunuchs. For example, it is entirely normal for gay men to find attractive men to be sexually attractive. Duh! It is also common to wonder what this man would look like nude. Furthermore, it is virtually a given that every man masturbates to erotic thoughts. Likewise, pornography is appealing to most men.
These are all normal, harmless aspects of male sexuality.
However, addiction counseling for gay Christians attempts to make the client feel ashamed for experiencing these normal male sensations and behaviors.
Addiction counseling imitates a 12-step program (founded by Alcoholics Anonymous). The key component of addiction counseling is to courageously admit to the counselor all of the misbehaviors that have occurred. This confessional process supposedly makes the gay man reluctant to act out in the future.
Unfortunately, it produces exactly the wrong effect.
The gay man attempts to become “sober” of all sexuality, but such is impossible. Then, when the urge becomes too strong to bear, the man binges on lots of sexuality — causing him even more self-shame. Such is an inevitable cycle.
In reality, the cure is to help the gay man not be ashamed of his SSA and his natural draw to masturbate.
Evangelical Christian Counseling
This type of counseling is provided by an Evangelical Christian counselor (e.g., pastor or staff member) who uses Bible verses to shame the gay man into renouncing his SSA, sexual identity, and homoerotic behaviors.
For example, the pastor or church counselor will cite the “clobber passages” from the Bible as the ultimate definition of homosexuality as a sin. Then, the counselor will quote verses encouraging the gay client to “flee from temptation.”
So how does the gay man flee from SSA or homoerotic temptations? By building a wide fence around the nefarious behaviors. For example, if a gay man becomes attracted to a certain man, then the gay man must move away from the presence of the attractive man. Further, when a gay man has a homoerotic thought, he must repress thinking about it. Finally, the gay man must confess each infraction to an “accountability partner” in his church.
The theory is that the gay man must “starve into extinction” his homoeroticism.
I mocking refer to this as the “don’t, don’t; repress, repress; confess, confess” method of counseling.
Damaged Lives
My dear readers, I cannot count the number of men I have personally counseled who have come from such harmful forms of counseling. The usual outcome is a damaged gay man who hates himself, is ashamed and remains closeted, regularly sexually binges, becomes frustrated to the point of hopelessness, contemplates suicide, and perhaps attempts to take his life.
All of this pain is avoidable.
Affirmation counseling is the alternative.
Affirmation Counseling
Such counseling is based upon the presumption that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It is a different form of sexual attraction, identity, and behavior.
I believe that God created humans with a “relationship blueprint.” The near-universal pattern is to: see someone to whom we are attracted; pursue getting to know that person; fall in love; and enter into a union.
This pattern applies to straights and gays!
Thus, affirmation counseling attempts to de-shame the gay man.
Sometimes, that means exposing the gay client to alternative Biblical meanings to the five clobber passages. Let me give you a hint: context matters!
Furthermore, affirming counseling may help the gay client realize that he is an equal to straight men and thus fully deserves dignity.
Additionally, the gay client may gain from having access to other gay Christians (rather than avoiding being around a gay man).
Also, the gay client may be challenged regarding what prevents him from dating men.
And the affirming counselor may help the gay client assess the differences between behaviors that are destructive versus those that are constructive.
Through affirmation counseling, the goal is to eliminate shame over being gay, imagine a thriving life, and overcome the hurdles that may limit success.
Conclusion
Many straight Christian counselors who disdain affirmation counseling may be introducing counseling methods that are harmful in the least — and horrific in their destruction. They mean well, but they start by assuming the gay client is in a bad condition.
Affirmation counseling presumes the normality of gayness — and optimism that flourishing is truly possible.
And I should know.
Dr. Mike Rosebush (Ph.D., Counseling Psychology; he, him, his;) is the creator and editor of GAYoda, plus a writer for Backyard Church. A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. He may be contacted at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
