My Deconstruction Out of Being a Homosexual Evangelical
My Reconstruction into a Gay Lover of Jesus
Overview
It seems as though many Christians are in the process of deconstructing their faith and all of the scaffolding upon which it stood. Such is not necessarily a bad thing but can cause great distress. Challenging one’s long-held beliefs can seem precarious, like removing a card from the proverbial house of cards. Some who deconstruct may feel uncertain, floating adrift.
Am I losing my faith, even more, my salvation?
What will my family and friends think about me?
Is it morally permissible to consider various options?
On the other hand, reconstruction can feel alive. Reconstruction establishes a confident base upon which to stand. For some, reconstruction is an awakening to different ways of viewing yourself, your relationship with God, and your sanity. Such freedom feels fresh, progressing into the best possible “you.” After reconstructing one’s new beliefs and theology, oftentimes, people feel even closer to Jesus, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit.
In this article, I will focus on four areas in which I deconstructed and then reconstructed: my sexuality, my Evangelicalism, my view of the Bible, and my image of God. I was formerly a “Homosexual” and an “Evangelical.” Now, I am “gay” and a “Lover of Jesus.”
Sexuality
I first considered myself “normal.” I rarely heard of the concept of “homosexuality,” but I believed such males were bad. Growing up with a military father and other peers from military dads, I only heard negative slurs about homosexuals. They were all supposedly effeminate and weak. “Normal” males, on the other hand, were masculine and tough.
I did, however, have this one strange attribute. I became excited by looking at nude peers in the open showers and I fantasized about homoerotic encounters with men. These were deeply secreted yearnings that I shared with no one. I simply wrote them off as “normal” stirrings that all males have, but no one admits. I never connected my attractions and fantasies with being a homosexual.
At age 31, I met a homosexual man for the first time. I shockingly realized that my attractions and longings matched his. That was my first deconstruction into a new reconstruction: I am no longer a normal male; I am a homosexual.
Please try to imagine what an astounding paradigm shift this was for me. In one day, I went from being a star officer in the Air Force, to being someone who was “perverted.” I suddenly felt empathy for all homosexual males, when I had previously looked down upon them in superiority. I became a man with a deep secret; a “spy” in a supermajority world. My shame rocketed, while my self-esteem plummeted. Suddenly, I was internally a mess.
After I came out to my wife, she was critical of my sexuality for the next 40 years. I viewed my homosexual orientation as something detestable, a mistake that could be repaired. So, I underwent conversion therapy to extinguish my same-sex attraction. It was a horribly failed experiment, leaving me defeated and suicidal.
Eventually, I revised my sexual identity into “I struggle with same-sex attraction.” Indeed, my life was an unending struggle: keep my eyes away from attractive males; keep everything contained and fenced off; and confess all infractions. I became a “dead man walking.”
That is until my wife died from cancer.
Only then did I feel emboldened to universally come out as “gay.” I had to courageously deconstruct my negative sexual identity into one that seemed much more congruent — and positive. My next deconstruction involved releasing the belief that gay relationships were always bad.
In order to progress, I enrolled in several gay dating apps. Golly was that ever a paradigm shift for me! At first, I came to believe that dating a man was just as legitimate as dating a woman. Eventually, Mr. Right appeared. After six months of exclusivity, I married Reggie. I became a champion for gay marriage. My journey had deconstructed out of being a “homosexual” and reconstructed into being “gay” and married to a man.
And I am all the better for having done so.
Evangelical
I was raised to be Catholic — a religion that I faithfully obeyed for 24 years. As a Catholic, my faith identity was a stinky superiority. I believed I would go to heaven (as long as I repeatedly confessed all of my sins to a Priest). I was a devout Altar Boy, having taken pride in my piety — while looking down on the heathen Protestants (after all, they were not required to go to Church or formal confession).
My religious identity came crashing down when a friend of mine evangelized me. Excitedly, I reconstructed a new identity as an “Evangelical” (i.e., someone born again). I became certain that Jesus loves me and that I will go to heaven when I die. I was set free from the neurosis of only feeling acceptable to God whenever I had a formal confession.
As an Evangelical, I emersed myself into the lifestyle of my “saved” friends. I went to hip churches where — for heaven’s sake! — they sang contemporary songs (strummed by guitars). I attended weekly Bible studies. I memorized Bible verses. I spewed them as the “right answer” to life’s challenges.
I believed that only Evangelicals would go to heaven. Once again, I developed an engrained superiority over all non-Evangelicals.
My wife and I developed friendships that were almost exclusively with other Evangelicals. We weekly attended non-liturgical, non-denominational churches. Likewise, we joined Evangelical Bible studies — where every word and verse were believed to be absolutely True and applicable to today.
I thrived as an Evangelical. I became one of the vice presidents for Focus on the Family — one of America’s most famous Evangelical organizations (located in Colorado Springs, “the Evangelical capital of the world”).
My deconstruction out of Catholicism and subsequent reconstruction into Evangelicalism was complete.
However, some Evangelicals are the most hateful people toward gays. For decades, I kept my same-sex attraction hidden from all Evangelicals. I would very frequently hear from Evangelicals about how gays are awful and how the “gay agenda” was destroying America. Once again, I was a closeted spy in a hostile camp.
One day, I courageously came out to a Focus on the Family employee. Finally, the enormous weight of secrecy was off my shoulders! This was also my first step in deconstructing out of Evangelicalism.
I eventually lost my shame when I realized that there was nothing wrong with being gay — it was simply a different attraction. In my more confident esteem, I began coming out to various people at Focus on the Family. Eventually, I resigned.
When I told Evangelicals that I was gay, they erroneously assumed it meant that I had forsaken Jesus and was having promiscuous sexual relations with gay men — both of which were false. Many Evangelicals, who were originally my deepest friends, stopped communicating with me. Interestingly, this “shunning” of me seemed to only come from Evangelicals.
Soon enough, I experienced a reconstruction of my religious identity. I was no longer an Evangelical; I became an “ex”vangelical. And I found peace in a United Methodist Church that affirms gay marriages. Slowly, I have reconstructed friends within the Church. And such friends accept me as I am.
Most importantly, I am laser focused on Jesus’s love for me and my love for Him. I suppose the best faith identity for me would be a “lover of Jesus.”
Bible
When I was a Catholic, I never owned a bible, let alone read one. I was completely bible-ignorant.
After deconstructing Catholicism and reconstructing into Evangelicalism, I viewed the Bible as a sacred, God-inspired fountain of Truth. I believed in the Evangelical dogma of “sola scriptura” — meaning scripture alone is the source of Truth and the light to guide my beliefs and behaviors. Thus, I revered the Bible! I read it daily, meditated upon it, memorized verses, and applied them as the only credible answer to life’s questions.
My reconstruction into being a Bible zealot had been complete. My personality has always been to be a compliant rule-keeper. The Bible provided me with all of the answers and all of the rules to follow. Five verses from the Bible convinced me that I must always divert my sexual attractions and avoid physical touch with men (and, of course, all forms of homoromanticism and homoeroticism). I believed I was honoring God by abstaining from gayness.
If the Bible is complete Truth, then (to me) being gay was a sinful orientation, identity, and behavior.
That is until I began deconstructing my worldview regarding the Bible.
In sequence, I started believing there was nothing wrong with being gay. I universally came out as gay. I became 100 percent convinced that Jesus loves me as I am — and He will never leave me. And since I will never leave Jesus, we will be a pair for eternity.
How can I (as a gay man) be so certain of Jesus’s love for me — and yet reconcile the Bible’s famous “clobber passages” that condemn homosexuality? My answer was that there must be something wrong in my understanding of those verses. I began a scholarly study in the context of the anti-gay verses.
What I discovered was that homosexual behavior in the times of the biblical writings was an act of domineering anal rape. Men with power raped other males who had less power: the less-esteemed males in society; the enslaved people; the soldiers conquered in battles; the pubescent children. Horrid, brutish behavior.
That vile sin was not the same as male-to-male romantic love. Love is supposed to be other-centered and improving of the relationship. Love does no harm. Therefore, the reprehensible man-to-male raping during the biblical era was indeed a sin.
Enlightened by the distinction between rape and love, I deconstructed the notion of the Bible being the sole source of Truth. All verses must be understood in the context in which they were written. Numerous verses are no longer relevant for today.
I understood that the Bible is not an owner’s manual for all righteous behaviors. Instead, it is a set of diverse writings pieced together over two millennia, written by certain people to certain other people for a specific purpose. I believe these writings have divinely been preserved over time and culture.
I like my reconstructed view of the Bible. I still read and meditate upon it daily. I no longer believe that the Bible is the only source of Truth. Instead, I now believe that it is Jesus alone who is our only reliable Truth beacon. Jesus models for me the best ways in which to love all others — and love is what Jesus is all about. Accordingly, I have stopped using the Bible as a sword to exclude marginalized people.
God
It seems as though I have loved God all of my life. I am not sure how I came upon such an innate, indisputable belief about this higher power. My love for God has only increased as a result of my deconstructions and reconstructions.
As a Catholic, I viewed God as a kind of “bad cop” who would punish me if I sinned without confession. Once I became an Evangelical, I began to view Jesus as the “good cop” who would represent me in my ultimate courtroom appearance in front of the judging God the Father.
Now, as a reconstructed gay, lover of Jesus who holds a progressive biblical worldview, I view God as primarily the source of all love. Love is the ultimate command to follow (supplanting all others). And love always involves bettering someone through a relationship. God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit all exude love to all people. Love is THE answer to our deconstructions.
Conclusion
I no longer fear the deconstruction and reconstruction processes. I am now more fully in love with God and, hence, with myself and all others. And the primary evidence of all people’s proper reconstruction is that we love all others in Jesus’s way.
Amen, indeed.
Dr. Mike Rosebush (Ph.D., Counseling Psychology; he, him, his;) is the author of “Gay Christians: Our Story.” A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. He may be contacted at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
